Zero Wiffleball Wednesday Players Named in Mitchell's Report

Provo - In a report released today by former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell, none of the names included the Wiffleball Wednesday players. The Mitchell report exposes many of baseball's top names having a relation with performance enhancing drugs, either taking them or at least buying them. The report includes names of 31 former All-Stars and members from every team in baseball, except for Wiffleball Wednesday.
"A lot of those names don't really come as a surprise to me," said Bradshaw. "But I really am skeptical about a few of the players around here," he continued. "I mean, come on, look at Caitlin! When have you seen a girl hit with the power she does! She comes out of nowhere and is taking over the stat board! Hmm...I wonder what she is doing Friday night, excuse me," he said walking away.
Caitlin Jenne, former Miss Homecoming Queen Montana, played in her second game on Wednesday night. She has started her reign of terror with an .800 batting average and a 1.200 slugging percentage. Jenne missed the first part of the season due to an internship in Salt Lake, but is looking forward to be playing in more games. "I just love Wiffleball Wednesday, it's like the greatest thing ever!" she said.

"I'm relieved that none of our players were on that list. I'm proud of everyone," Emmett said.

With new people showing up every week, Wiffleball Wednesday will need to devise a way to keep the league clean. Several thoughts have been thrown around, including having a D.A.R.E. officer give a pre-game speech on the dangers of performance enhancing drugs.
"I don't think we need to go that far," Emmett said. "But I won't deny the idea has been discussed."

Wednesday's game saw the debut of two new players to the league, Aroc Wright and Jasmin Hammer. Both hit .667 and helped produce runs for their teams. The two players appear to be clean however, and were welcomed by the league to continue playing in future games.

Aroc Wright with some lady friends

Jasmin Hammer, relaxing before the game

Week 5 Stats

AVG.
1. Caitlin Jenne - .875
2. Chris Bradshaw - .833
3. Brian Emmett - .714

HR
1. Aroc Wright - 2
2. Keith Fairbank, Ryan Johnson, Chris Bradshaw - 1

1B
1. Caitlin Jenne - 7
2. Jasmin Hammer - 5
3. Brian Emmett, Keith Fairbank - 3

RBI
1. Caitlin Jenne - 7
2. Brian Emmett - 5
3. Ryan Johnson, Chris Bradshaw - 4

Bradshaw Slugs His Way to First Win

Provo - Chris Bradshaw doffed his hat to the crowd after the game on Wednesday and he had every right. He slugged an unbelievable 3.000 Wednesday night at Edgemont stadium. This percentage means he averaged a triple for every at-bat he had on Wednesday. This average was fueled by Bradshaw's five home runs, 4 of which came consecutively.
"I didn't want to give up. We were down by 10 runs early so I decided I needed to step it up," he said. Bradshaw's team fell early, due to the fierce pitching by Watkins on the other side. Watkins started off the game with a two inning shut out but feeling bad for the other team, allowed Johnson to pitch in the third inning.

"When I saw Johnson come in, yes, I did feel a little relieved," Emmett said. "I still didn't really want to swing the bat though," he added. Emmett took the opposite approach of Bradshaw and recorded 5 walks on the evening. "Hey, down by that many runs, we needed base runners. My job was to get on base and let Bradshaw hit me in...And it worked." Emmett has never lost on a Wednesday night.

The game on Wednesday saw two player debuts. Dave Watkins, a legitimate ball player, came in and showed the guys how to pitch as well as how to hit. "Playing with these guys reminds me of when I have foot races with my little cousins. I have to go at their speed or else they'll start to cry." Deanna Lunt also made her debut and showed everyone the "tomahawk" one-hand approach. She took some extra BP after the game and is hoping to do better next week.

"It feels good to get that first win under the belt," Bradshaw said. "You better keep your eye on me." Bradshaw was assisted by another rookie, Caitlin Jenne, who hit two home runs in the game before having to leave early.

Week 4 Stats

Avg.
1. Ryan Johnson - 1.000
2. Chris Bradshaw - 8.57
3. Dave Watkins - 8.00

HR
1. Chris Bradshaw - 5
2. Caitlin Jenne - 2
3. Catherine Papworth - 1

RBI
1. Chris Bradshaw - 13
2. Brady Bowen - 5
2. Ryan Johnson - 5

Runs
1. Brian Emmett - 6
1. Chris Bradshaw - 6
3. Dave Watkins - 5
3. Paul Ricks - 5

BB
1. Brian Emmett - 5
2. Ryan Johnson - 3
3. Paul Ricks - 2

SLG.
1. Chris Bradshaw - 3.000
2. Ryan Johnson - 1.714
3. Brian Emmett - 1.667